The Deliberately
helpless and hapless.
A very close friend of mine, and one of the few people I
have met who does not have Jell-O instant pudding in place of gray matter, gave me a mug
this year for Christmas. On the mug, in big "New York Post-3rd-grade-reading-level
letters" it says, "Wait...let me drop Everything I am doing to work on Your
problem!
This was the most appropriate gift I could ever have
received. You see....I am surrounded by idiots. It’s true. Somewhere out there, the
island of the "deliberately helpless and hapless" is deserted....they have all
emigrated to my office.
I am not talking about the truly helpless and/or hapless.
No...I am talking about the people who make their weakness my problem. These are
not people who need help occasionally (much as it pains me to admit it, even I need help
sometimes). No....I speak now of those who make it policy to whine to me about their
shortcomings...and always with the assumption that I'm going to drop
everything and suffer the inconvenience because they cannot handle something that
is pretty damn clearly their problem!
They expect your sympathy, and all you want to do is just
slap them silly on general principal.
These are people who seemed to have purposely walked up to
the great Order Desk of Life and said "Make me a witless puddin head!,....For I fear
change and loathe effort, and if by a combination of shear laziness and feigned ignorance
I can gain productivity through the efforts of others....my life will be complete!"
You know the type I'm ranting about don't you? They come
crashing into your office in a panic, draining you of all life force by their very
presence, and mutter something like: "I have an important project I need your input
on...." or, " We have a crisis developing...". Of course, what they
are really saying is: "I am a witless puddin head!" Don't bother trying
to explain to them how to handle the problem themselves. Talking to them is like swimming
in oatmeal.
They’ll say things like: "I don't know how"
or, "That really is your area of expertise", when what they really mean is:
"But I told you, I'm a witless puddin head" And don't offer to help them
do it themselves either. You might as well start diving into concrete for jollies. You'll
get better results AND suffer less pain. Nothing short of YOU doing the job en-toto will
suffice.
Never, ever ask THEM for help doing anything complex for
you, because they don't get it... and more importantly, they don't WANT to get it. No
matter how hard you try...no matter how many times they CLAIM to understand, they won't,
and the crisis will eventually fall back in your lap. It's not like these people are
playing for the other team...they are not even in the same game!
In the final analysis you have two choices. Become a
Buddhist, so you believe that suffering is the way to Nirvana, or invite them to visit the
nether regions of Hades ...and give very explicit directions.
Oh! And buy that damn coffee mug!
