The Moronic Genius:
On the long and winding road of life, there are many
wondrous and heartwarming souls who will wander across your path and bring you great joy
and happiness.
This article is not about them.
This article is about their antithesis, their polar
opposites: the anti-Christ versions of these people.
This article is about those individuals whose very name
brings bile to your lips, whose voice is pure agony and whose very presence represents
torture that would disturb Edgar Allan Poe.
Last month, we talked about the "witless pudding
heads" of the world. This month is devoted to a close relative of that walking
abortion of nature: The Moronic Genius.
This guy still lives in his parent’s basement when
he‘s not at a Star Trek convention, wears the same clothes every day, and his best
friend is his cat "Bobo". Either that, or he wears a postal uniform and call
himself Cliff.
Either way, he is still the same....he is the man who knows
everything and has done everything. Just ask him!
Hell...you don’t even have to ask him do you now? Hell
no! He’ll let ya know anyway, won’t he? Just so you can benefit from his vast
experience. Yessir, he’s chock full of useless and inaccurate information, and he is
not afraid to share...and share...and share.... We all know him. He’s always talking
about how he really invented the modern boiler, but Cleaver Brooks stole it from him.
He’s also the only one who ever does anything of significance at work: hell,
he’s the only one who does anything at work dontcha know.
Yup, without him, the plant would come to a screeching
halt.
Never mind the facts, they’re far too limiting for
this guy. Let’s not confuse the issue by allowing reality to enter the situation. The
conventional wisdom of modern society, science, and hygiene are all merely the senseless
rhetoric of the unenlightened masses to him.
No, trying to use the truth with this guy will only bring
you pain. He will weave a dizzying cloud of otherworldly logic and rationalization which
would turn Einstein into a blathering idiot.
"Bob, you do realize that searching for a natural gas
leak with a welding torch can be dangerous?"
"Naw", replies Bob with the air of confidence
that only comes from the truly clueless. "The only SURE way to find a leak, ya
know".
He will then launch into a lecture on the inaccuracies of
methane gas sniffers and little known facts about the link between soap bubble tests and
global warming.
And as you listen on, struggling to maintain your sanity,
he will break into a mantra about the many other personal discoveries he has made in the
field of science, like the many medical benefits of being a social outcast.
"Bob, I’ve noticed that the dingy beige of your
shirt matches your teeth perfectly".
"Well" says Bob, "...I look at it this
way...."
And once more, the journey of discovery into the
wonderfulness of "Bob" will begin.
There is an old saying, "Better to remain silent and
let people think that you are an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all
doubt".
I guess that’s one of the few things Bob does not
know.
