The Genesis of Company Policy:
Didja ever notice how many idiotic company policies you are
forced to follow each and every day at work? You know what I’m talking about. Those
cute little memos you get each month, printed up real nice on company letterhead. They are
usually written by some guy in upper admin with a title like Employee Policy Analyst
or Assistant Human Resource Ombudsman or something similar.
They are full of wonderful new policies for saving the
company money: "....and so, effective immediately, to minimize wear and tear on
carpets within the facility, all employees must wear shoes which are one size smaller than
required by said employee’s feet."
Or for improving morale: "....any employee found
NOT smiling on company time will be subject to disciplinary action. Remember, we are one
big happy family!"
Have you seen one of these recently? You probably will.
January is the traditional time of year for inept and clueless administrators to peddle
their politically correct / corporate suck-up ideas.
In order to gain a more thorough understanding of this
phenomenon, we have conducted an investigation to uncover its roots. After long and
arduous hours of pouring over ancient text and historical documents, we have discovered
the following passage describing the birth of a corporate policy (and its subsequent
afterbirth).
It is a monument to the arts of miscommunication and
brown-nosing! The author is unknown, but we are fairly certain this was dug up with the
Dead Sea Scrolls. So, without further adieu, We present.....
The "COCKA -CABAL"
(from the ancient Mesopotamian for "How Shit Happens")
In the beginning.....was THE PLAN!
And from the plan, sprung forth THE ASSUMPTIONS!
And the Assumptions were without clue......
And the Plan was without purpose.......
And a darkness fell upon the faces of the workers.....
And the workers spake amongst themselves saying,
"Verily.....it is a crock of Cocka, and it
stinketh!"
And so, the workers cried to their supervisors upon high
saying,
"Forsooth....It is a pail of Dung, and none may
abide the stench of it!"
Then the supervisors went unto their managers and spaketh
unto them,
"Alas....It is a container of excrement, and its
odor is very strong!"
And fearing for their employment, the managers climbed the
mountain, and spake to the Directors,
"Truly.....It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none
may abide its strength!"
And the directors, being themselves, like THE PLAN, without
a clue, smiled saying,
" It contains that which aideth growth of plants,
and it is very strong!"
And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents saying unto
them,
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful,
anon!"
Then the Vice Presidents went unto the President and
spaketh unto he,
"This New PLAN will actively promote growth and
efficiency in this company!"
And the President looked upon THE PLAN.....and saw that it
was good.
And in upper management, there was great rejoicing!
While amongst the workers there was a great wail of agony.
And THE PLAN became Policy.
And this is how corporate Shit happens.
